PUBLIC SERVICE

Couldn't see much of a future on the wharves. Blokes bein' made redundant and retrenched all the time. Bloody machines takin' over ev’ryone's work. So I decides to get another job. Nothin' too demandin' this time. I applied to join the Binangon Public Service.

First, but, they make me sit for an exam. It was a bit of a tough one, too. Specially for a bloke like me 'oo 'asn't 'ad a lot of schoolin'. These are some of the questions they asked me. You had two hours to answer ten questions. What do you reckon of these?

Question one: describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially upon its social, political, economic religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, Africa and Binangon.

That wasn't too bad, but the next one was a real doozy:

Question two: Biology - create life

I passed straight over that one to question three:

Sociology - Discuss the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Question four was on Politics: 

On the desk you will find a red telephone. Start World War 3. Report the political and social consequences.

Question five was Medicine: 

You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture the wound until it has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

And question seven was just a bit of General Knowledge - 

Define the universe. describe in detail and give three examples...

And after that they got really hard. 

Anyway, I passed alright. Then I went to work. The first thing they gave me was the rules of the job:

Rule one: Sickness - Personnel will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of illness. If you are able to attend the doctor's you are able to come to work.

A bit tough, I thought, but fair enough ...

Rule two was: Death (other than your own) - As there is nothing you can do for the dead, this will not be accepted as a reason for absence from work. Henceforth, no time off will be allowed for funerals. However, in cases of excessive hardship, we have a special scheme with the local council for lunchtime burials, thus ensuring no time is lost from work.

That was alright. But number three was likely to be a bit awkward:

3. Death (your own) - This will be accepted as a reason for non-attendance. However, we require  two week's notice as it is your duty under the award to train someone else to do your job.

Rule 4 covered Operations - No leave will be granted for hospitalisation involving surgery. As long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever you have and should not have it removed. You were employed with all your parts and removal would mean that we were receiving less than we contracted for. In exceptional circumstances, where removal by surgery is unavoidable, we will consider renegotiating your salary in accordance with the value of those body parts that have been removed.

And the last one was about Visits to the Toilet - To avoid undue time wasting, all personnel will visit the toilet in alphabetical order. Employees whose surnames begin with 'A' will go from 9.30 to 9.45; those beginning with 'B' from 9.45 to ten, and so on. Those unable to go to the toilet at the allotted time will be required to wait until their turn comes again on the following day.  Signed: The Management

That was me first taste of red tape. But it wasn't the last by a long shot, I can tell yer. There was forms for this, forms fer that. Everythin' in duplicate, triplicate and worse. Copy to head office, copy to the departmental head, copy for the file, copy for the wastepaper bin - more bloody copies than you could poke a stick at, I'll give yer the mail.

Sometimes we got a laugh, though... I worked in the motor vehicle insurance claims office for a while. Some of the stories put in from blokes and sheilas about their claims were enough to split yer sides. They must a bin a slice or two short of a loaf, judgin' by some of the yarns they told:

'I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. A pedestrian hit me and went under the car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a few times before I hit him. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. The telephone pole was approaching. I was trying to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end. I'd been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. I blew my horn. But it did not work as it was stolen.

The city’s a funny sort of place, ain't it? Full of strange characters. You'll never guess ‘oo I met up with again. He was married then. Coupla kids, nice car, good job. 'How would you be, mate?' I asked when I bumped him in a pub one day, bagy suit, crumbled ‘at.

'Ow would I be? 'Ow would I bloody-well be? I've got the taxman, the missus and the kids linin' up to empty me wallet every week. Got a teenage son who wouldn't work in an iron lung and a teenage daughter who'se phone bill's bigger than the national bloody debt.’

‘An that wasn’t all, neither!  ‘E’d ‘ad a few and was in a talkative frame a mind.

'Ow'd I be? The wife wants me ter mow the lawn and paint the 'ouse, the boss wants me to work overtime, the telly's on the blink and the bloody cat's knocked the plug outa the fridge. All me bloody beer's warm. 'Ow would I be? 'Ow do yer bloody well think I’d be?

I shoulda taken his point, I s’pose. But instead I made a blue and went an’ got married meself.