As you'll recall if ya were payin' attention, I give the land away and tried me luck in Binangon’s biggest city. Bein' a bit of a big bastard, I soon got a job on the wharves.
There was some characters workin' there then. One bloke they called 'The Judge', coz 'e was always sittin' on a case. Another bloke was called that too - but that was because 'e was always at the bar.
It was durin' one of those royal tours. Liz come over wth Phil the Greek. They were brought down to the wharves to see what a good job was bein' done (ha ha). Anyway, one wharfie was chosen to be presented to ‘Er Majesty.
It's all goin' along well, with cupsa tea and cucumber sandwiches. There's a bit of a lull in the conversation, so one of the big nobs from the head office says to the wharfie: 'Tell Her Majesty how much you can lift'.
A bit modest, like, 'e says 'Oh, about a bloody ton'.
The big nob is shocked at this language being used in front of the Queen: 'Oh no, break it down', 'e 'isses at the wharfie.
'Oh, alright', sez the wharfie, turrnin’ back to ‘Er Maj, 'about half a bloody ton then'.
There was one bloke there who was on the take - only one. Every day ‘e went through the gates pushin' a wheelbarrow stuffed with bits of old packing crates and cartons. The security guard searched the wheelbarrow every day, real careful. 'E was sure this bloke was knockin' stuff off. But there was never anythin' there. Just old bits of rubbish this bloke said 'e used for firewood.
Eventually, the wharfie was retrenched ‘n’ a couple a months later the security guard is made redundant. One day the ex- security guard bumps into the retrenched wharfie in the pub. Still curious, he asks the wharfie how he was getting the stolen stuff past him. 'Tell us how you done it, mate. It don't matter to anyone now.’
The wharfie agreed that it was all water under the bridge now, so he might as well let on to the security guard and put the poor bastard out of his misery. 'I was knockin' off wheelbarrows'.
One day there was a few unionists havin' a drink with their dogs. They got to skitin' about whose dog was the smartest. The Vehicle Workers Union bloke said his dog was named 'T-square' because he could do geometry. No-one believed 'im, of course, until he gave the dog a stick of chalk and it drew a square, a circle and a triangle on the ground.
The Metalworker's Union bloke wasn't impressed. His dog was called 'Sliderule'. He gave him a box of biscuits and told him to divide them into four piles. He did. The bloke from the Liquor Trades admitted that these two dogs were pretty smart but reckoned his was better. He told his dog to go and get a stubby and pour seven ounces of beer into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did it!
Then they asked the Waterside Worker what his mong could do. 'Is name's 'Tea Break', said the wharfie. 'Show 'em what you can do, mate'.
'Tea Break' ate the biscuits, drank the beer, pissed on the geometry, savaged the other three dogs, and claimed he injured his back. Then he filled out a Worker's Comp form and shot through on sick leave.
Smart dog, eh?
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